Life or Death

A view from the inside.

Life or Death

Sam could only see a little bit of something, just a bit of light coming through a hole. The hole wasn't as big as his face, and he thought to himself, "What the hell is this?"

"It's a portal to oblivion," was the raspy, but soft and almost faint reply. But it wasn't a thought, it was a voice.

"Who is that? Where am I?" Sam queried.

"Well, I guess you could say I'm a guardian angel. Sure's hell don't feel like one though. You really blew it, you know that?"

"What the fuck! Why can't I move? Where am I? Answer me!" cried Sam.

"Hey man, you wanted to die, to back on outa life, and now you're probably gonna get your wish," the raspy voice answered. "I had a job before, and now I won't have a damn job, thanks to you. Why wouldn't you listen? Why wouldn't you at least work with me? Why couldn't you see what's been all around you? Where were your eyes, man?"

Almost tearfully, Sam gasped, "I don't get it! I don't wanna die!!"

"Well you sure have a funny way of showin' it."

"Whadda you mean? What happened?"

"Dumbass, you took a whole bottle of pills. No one even knows it yet. And if nobody finds out, like, really soon, you're finished," the voice said. "You might as well relax. I'd wish you luck, but you already had that. You just chose to ignore it. All of it."

"Help me, please..."

"Well I damn-well tried. But like I said, you weren't payin' any attention."

"Hey what - I can feel my hands again!" cried Sam.

"Well congratulations, numbnuts, you should be able to feel your legs now too," the voice responded.

"I can, I can! Hey am I getting better??"

"Wish I could say yes," the voice came back. "but it's only to show you the difference."

"What? Show me what? Can't you help me? Can't you tell someone?"

"Nup. Not allowed. It's not my decision either. Ya see, 'free will' is just that. There are consequences for doin' stupid shit like this," the voice replied.

Sam was starting to get a little steamed. "Hey who the hell are you? Life sucks, an' now I got this! Who the hell are you?"

Suddenly a powerful spasm ripped through Sam's chest, firing out into his arms and down both of his legs. "AAARRGHH!!" screamed Sam.

"Sorry about that dude, your heart just quit."

"Ya right, asshole, the pain is fading now," said Sam. "Enough of this joke. I'm not gonna die."

"Just under four minutes, Sam. I'll have a job for almost, another four minutes."

"What?"

"That's how long it takes for the lack of oxygen to kill off your brain."

"Hey look, I really don't want to die..."

"Well then, why did you take the pills? Why?" the voice queried.

"Life sucks! I guess I just didn't want to deal with it any more! Lost my job, lost my girl, no car, no phone, and no food! Can't even pay my rent! I thought barbiturates were s'posed to put the lights out easy! This is not easy! I wanna go back!"

"Look, Sam," the voice answered firmly, "There are no guarantees in life. Everyone has to do something to get wherever they want to go. If you don't get what you want, you'll get what you need. Ever hear that? But until today, I wouldn't have figured you for an idiot. Ninety percent of all your problems is your fuck-you attitude. You could have gotten lots of other jobs. No matter what. People who've been through prison even get jobs. Ugly people, weak people, stupid people! You weren't any of those. You had everything goin' for you! The chick was a bitch, and she'd have made you miserable anyway! You acted like you don't know anyone, you have no parents, no friends - why even if you didn't, it's no excuse to do what you did!"

"Well shit," said Sam. "Whatever. I guess I deserved all of this. Didn't think death was gonna suck too."

"Let me tell you something, Sam," the voice asserted, "Life is a gift. You just don't take it for granted. You have to take some responsibility for what you do. Death doesn't suck when it's supposed to come. For you, it's gonna suck. Here, take a look."

Suddenly the little portal of light vanished. The feeling in Sam's arms and legs began to fade.

Sam had no feeling now. He had no light. He could not speak. There was only darkness, with no sound.

"Nooooo..."

****************

The paramedic bent over Sam's body. "Time of death, 3:45."

"No wait. I saw the chest move." The voice came from the paramedic's partner.

"Fuck, man, you're always seein' shit like that. For once, give it up. The kid's dead."

"Shut up and hand me the AED!"

Five minutes later, the ambulance was screaming and wailing it's way to the hospital, what was left of Sam's life barely glimmering like a fading Tinkerbelle, somewhere near the center of his body.

"For sure, there's gonna be dain bramage," quipped the paramedic.

"You know what, Abrams? You need to find another line of work," came the response.

Sam's portal opened to just marble-sized, and it just stayed there. Sam felt like something was clamped to his face. "What the hell is that?"

The raspy voice, much fainter now, answered. "It's an oxygen mask, Sam. You have a fighting chance now. So fight, you stupid asshole. At least you didn't eat a bullet. I hope you make it."

*************

Ten years later, Sam sat in his office chair, thinking. Tears welled in his eyes as he recalled, still with shame, how close he'd come to death. Hovering, frightened parents, brother and sister camped by his bedside, and Katy, whom he'd hardly noticed. Katy. The love of his life. Twice, no, ten times the lady his ex-girlfriend had been. And now, he had children. They had a house. He was the sales manager for a rising company. He was driving a new car. He'd worked his ass off, but it was more than worth it. And he was far from done.

That raspy voice had been back around, a few times. Sam wasn't sure if it was himself, or somebody else. Um. Okay, it was definitely somebody else.

"Nice to see you made it, dude. Don't screw it up."

"I won't," thought Sam.

Just then, two men in their early twenties walked by Sam's open door, talking.

"Well, fuck my life," one of them exclaimed. "My phone is dead. Andrea'll think I turned it off again. I'm tellin' you man, if she walks one more time, I fuckin' quit. Done. Life sucks!"

"Hey!" Sam leaned into the hallway from his office door. "C’mere!"

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