Everything In The World

that men know about women.

Everything in the World that Men Know About Women

Benjamin Trayne

Introduction

Edward Norton is The Man.

It might seem a strange opening line for my title. I'll try to clear that up.

I'm a big fan of Edward Norton, possibly his biggest, for a lot of good reasons. He's adaptable, immensely talented, handsome, tough and *arguably the protagonist of my favorite movie of all time, Fight Club. The movie was based on Chuck Palahniuk's novel of the same name. It has been suggested that it may be the most intensely-written “guy” flick ever made.

I don't honestly know if that's true. I love action movies, and I've enjoyed a great many of them. I've found the action of Scarlett Johansson as the Black Widow in Iron Man 2 to be just as compelling as the awesomeness of Jason Statham in his various roles. But Fight Club has something special, and it isn't any one thing. There are so many!

Most men, I would venture, are more likely to identify with the tough-cool character played by Brad Pitt, however most of us probably should identify with Norton. I know I would, if I was even that good. And throughout the movie, Norton seems to be holding his own very well. But later it appears that Pitt has a clear upper hand physically, which manifests in his apparently enhanced ability to fight.

This is where I have to exit the movie and actually start talking about women. It's quite the conundrum, you know. Brad Pitt seems to be the ultimate “chick magnet.” He's got the looks, the brains and the body. He's possibly the most talented actor I've ever seen. Like Edward Norton, I've watched every movie he's ever made, some of them several times. He's great! But unlike Norton, he is not “the man.” Pitt has become a god.

It's really frustrating to watch. Here's a guy who has it all. Women were swooning over the guy already, but was it enough? No; he had to go a few steps farther and display his deep sensitivity and an almost worshipful attitude toward women. Like a ninth-degree black belt in some martial art who is not satisfied to be better than ninety-nine percent of the population, he goes out and masters three more styles and achieves the highest degree available in each of those, too. Oh, I know. Every man who has the stones tries to become a god in his own right.

But only Pitt has done it. His ascension is complete.

I know what I'm going to suggest will never happen. I suspect that Edward Norton and Brad Pitt are actually friends. But y'know, if promoters could get these two guys to beef up and to train for a real boxing match, I believe the fight would sell more tickets and pay-per-view subscriptions than any professional heavyweight fight that has ever taken place. I'm tempted to say more than all of them combined, but there have been a lot of great professional fights. So why would it sell out so completely?

Because most guys would want to see Norton win. I think he can. I'd be rooting for him.

A man who is sensitive and kind and loving and supportive just doesn't cut it. The general population of women wants all of that, but they also want him to be daring, perhaps in a way, dangerous. And yet, of course, they don't! He must know exactly the right times to be whichever, and those times are always shifting. It's a moving target, fellas. And none of that will even matter if she's not in the mood to be around a man. That's a moving target, too.

Now forgive me. I don't actually know these things; I merely suspect them.

It surely isn't that I don't appreciate women, or that I fundamentally dislike them. Well, from time to time I've been close to it. But I've told myself, “It isn't women. It's because they're human, like everyone. People tend to make life difficult for other people.”

But honestly, I just don't know. I've been around a while. I've never seen a mens gossip network, the kind that would convict a difficult woman before all other men. Women definitely seem to have one of those for us, and in the information age, it can be worldwide if you're important enough. And a man being convicted, for them, seems to be largely dependent on looks, age and income. If you've got the advantage in all three, you're forgiven. Sure, they might say bad things about you anyway, but it won't matter to most of them. There might be some guys out there who obsess on shoes, but I've never known of one. Or any man who worries about how he looks to other men. Well, you know. Average guys.

The greater conundrum seems to be how strong women can be if they need to be. Some can be emotionally crushed by simple things, I know. But I had a grandmother who was and will always be my favorite person ever, and her finest trait was her incredible strength. Her husband, my grandfather, passed away at an early age. She was left to raise a lot of kids during the Great Depression on a big farm by herself. She did it, and she did it well. All of her children prospered in their own adult lives. When she passed away, their expressed reverence for her was very moving. Because of an auto accident that hospitalized my own mother for an extended period, my grandmother moved in with us during that time, so that I got to know her pretty well. I had just entered the tenth grade and was at home with a much younger brother. I'll never, ever forget it. My grandmother sat me down and told me just how things really were. It was for me previously unimaginable, far more than one would ever suspect or believe could come from an older woman. I'd had no idea there was anyone like her in the world.

And yet, women today seem to want us to think they're oppressed. That men have always run things, and we've screwed it up. I beg to differ. In my opinion women have always run things. I won't go any further. I still have to live among them, and bully for that. After all, what would we do without them? We'd be killing each other without restraint within a week. And loving it, most likely. Nobody would ever clean up. There'd be nobody to please.

So much for my introduction. It's time for an attempt at a plagiarism disclaimer. Many years ago I stepped up to the small service counter area of a local supply warehouse to pick up an order, and there on the counter was a red booklet with bold print across the front, “EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN.” I think it was the 'Kingsley report', or something like that. I both read it, and I didn't read it. Sounds like a woman, doesn't it? It just depends.

But I can't deny that it's where I got the idea for this piece. The reader will have to decide whether I'm guilty of plagiarism or not. I checked around and I did see that some other guy has tried it, claims he's a doctor, claims it's a book and he's selling it online. He's charging for his work, and his content is strikingly similar.

As follows, a full two pages, Everything in the World that Men Know About Women.

Prepare yourself, because it gets pretty intense. And enjoy. When you're finished, if you're a guy, you 'll know as much as any man ever has.

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Thank you so much, Substack, for eliminating my two blank pages.

Copyright 2024 Benjamin Trayne